Showing Up

 

As you know, I’ve been playing pickleball.  Now playing pickleball is an ordinary activity and playing outside in beautiful spring weather is extraordinarily fun.  It’s even a safe environment with built-in social distancing even while interacting with others. So, as I was preparing to meet my pickleball buddy last week I heard myself tell myself “that I was showing up to win.”  Initially I was startled by this outburst, I wasn’t sure what prompted it, besides, this winning attitude was not a normal personality feature of mine.  Yet, there was something appealing, even inviting, about it even if the appeal was short-lived as subtle stories and body tension made their debut.   

Now the reason for the tension and accompanying story is this.  Being an enneagram nine there is one thing my personality is not and that is a personality that sets itself to win.  Now, don’t think I don’t like to win, or that I don’t play to win.  Heck, a few weeks ago I was willing to sacrifice my body for a shot.  But this intentional showing up to win was something I had never encountered before.  My normal habitual pattern of being tells me to always stay in the background.  This winning attitude felt different, even uncomfortable, yet it was now far too late to not go through with it.  I decided there and then that I was showing up to win and that I would notice my interior world as the process unfolded.

First, on the drive over, the stories kept telling me “it’s not to late to back out of this winning idea” progressing to “it’s not nice to not give others a chance” to “you shouldn’t be more powerful than others.”  Wow, where does all that stuff come from?  Well, I know where it comes from and why, but once you really start paying attention to it, turning the noticing into a practice, it actually becomes quite comical. So now that I’ve arrived at the courts the only thing left to do is fully show up and play to win.  This playing to win was a fascinating thing to observe.  I played strategically, even purposely, often hitting the ball to areas on the other side of the net that I knew my buddy would never get to; I never let up.  It was exhilarating....and I won.

So here are just a few things I noticed during this whole process.  First is that nothing bad happened when I played with a winning attitude.  I didn’t feel good or bad as in gloating or sabotaged with shame, it just was.  Next, I noticed that it actually caused my buddy to engage differently.  In fact, the next time we played together I could see she was not letting me off the hook.  In this respect my showing up to win actually helped improve both our games.  The scripture “iron sharpens iron” came to mind and it definitely held new meaning for me. Finally, I could discern that I have been short changing myself all these years listening to a personality pattern that tells me to stay in the background.  

This was the best, ordinary lesson anyone could receive; playing pickleball and winning.  Do you notice personality patterns that keep you stuck?  What practices have you developed to become more aware of these patterns?  If you have thoughts or questions on the nature of personalities please comment or contact me directly.  

Thoughts

So, here we are, in the right here and right now of ordinary life.  Have you ever noticed the thinking involved in the ordinary life?  Here's a small sampling I've recently encountered with ordinariness and its thinking.  

I fell down this past week, playing pickleball of all things, prompting a trip to urgent care to rule out a fracture and I’m noticing a “what if” thought story.  In order to allow healing for my wrist the bed has remained unmade for the past five days and chores have been greatly reduced; a “you should” thought appears.  Two weeks and counting on a lab report from the dermatologist’s office and sensing an “if only they were more efficient” thought.  An adorable bunny fell into the pool meeting its demise and an awareness that all is connected creates a pain in my heart.  My mom and I hold opposing political views creating interesting conversation…or not and noticing an “us vs. them” commentary in my mind.  There’s a monthly Zoom group I try to participate in but can never seem to get it together due to the time difference, I notice a “what will people think” story.     

The above sampling represents ordinary life circumstances not uncommon to us all.  Yet, all these ordinary events held the opportunity to notice the underlying thoughts.  Picking up on our theme from the last blog, the ordinary events provide the substance for the practice of noticing and, while it does take practice, it is possible to take the ordinary and begin noticing.  From my perspective it does no good, meaning there is no opportunity for growth, if I am unaware of myself, my thoughts, emotions and reactions in such ordinary situations.  

To be aware means that there is a realization about the thinking and ruminating and to recognize that such thinking and ruminating can go on for hours, days, months, and, yes, even years.  You can see that the above events came with a thought-story but with the choice to notice the thought or story an opportunity arose to discover what the thoughts or stories were about.  For instance, the above thought of  “what will people think” provided an opportunity to interiorly explore what is really driving that story such as needing the approval of others.  I can now continue the interior work further discovering what actually prompts this need.  I will not lie, this interior exploring can be painful work, but it is also liberating work and we are in need of such liberation.  

So, for today, let’s practice noticing all the stories flying and filling our minds.  And, for today, it is enough to just notice; no judgement or analysis needed.  When we begin to notice we begin to see how the thoughts and stories are always informing us.  Please leave any comments, questions or ponderings below or contact me directly.    

 Peace, light and love to you on this ordinary day. 

The Somewhere Story

 

Wolf Creek, Montana

 A Blog, now there's something I never saw coming.  I wonder, and ask myself, "don't you have to be somewhere before you begin to blog; why blog when life is nothing but ordinary, the most ordinary of ordinary?"  Yet, undeniably, there is a desire to say something about the ordinary life.  What I mean by the ordinary life is the present moment, a showing up to what actually is.  This sounds so trite, so easy, but, in reality, it is hard to do.  Honestly, for the longest time I believed the thoughts in my head were the present moment, actually for most of my life. It has taken long years of practice and commitment to both recognize the thoughts in my head and make a conscious choice about what to do with them.  What has opened up, although still a work in progress, is a whole new way of showing up to ordinary life.  

If you are truly present to the moment it can feel ordinary, maybe even boring, because it is uncluttered.  It is uncluttered by thoughts about the past or future, thoughts such as "they always talk too much" or "when will I catch a break."  When these types of thoughts are stilled the basic unit of NOW seems, initially, empty and can be missed.  A simple test to gauge if I'm fully showing up is to ask myself if there is any tension or stress currently held in my body or emotions?  If so, then I know this tension or stress reveals a desire, however subtle, to be somewhere, anywhere, but right here right now.  Initially this practice took place in hindsight by engaging in a curiosity about how I'd shown up to a given situation.  You can do this too by setting aside a short quiet time each day to ask yourself if there were any hints of tension or stress in your body or emotions in a situation of your choosing.  As an aside, if you're not fully tuned into your body (yet) these tensions and stresses come out as the thoughts and stories we hear in our head saying things like, "why did they say that" or "I should have said such and such when they said so and so."

So, the right here right now story in my head says that blogging can begin when somewhere is a reality.  If I'm really still, and really honest, I can feel in my body the tension when I actually consider creating a blog and pushing the publish button.  Upon closer reflection of this thought-story it dawns on me that today is somewhere even if the thought-story says otherwise.  This story about being somewhere is a learned thought that emerged from many different sources; family, academia, culture, religion and from the wounds received as a partaker of the human family.  These sources helped reinforce an ideal I held (and obviously still hold) that says once a person gets somewhere life finally and fully begins.  Funny thing is a lifetime can be spent waiting and the waiting option isn't very appealing these days. Somewhere is now!  Living this moment, even while noticing the story, is the most appealing option.  It also means that the publish button will get pressed.  

I'd love to hear your thoughts, struggles or insights with living in the present moment.  Please leave your comments below or contact me directly with any comments or questions.  

Peace, light and love to you on this day.