As you know, I’ve been playing pickleball. Now playing pickleball is an ordinary
activity and playing outside in beautiful spring weather is extraordinarily fun.
It’s even a safe environment with built-in social distancing even while
interacting with others. So, as I was preparing to meet my pickleball buddy last
week I heard myself tell myself “that I was showing up to win.” Initially I was startled by this outburst, I
wasn’t sure what prompted it, besides, this winning attitude was not a normal personality
feature of mine. Yet, there was something
appealing, even inviting, about it even if the appeal was short-lived
as subtle stories and body tension made their debut.
Now the reason for the tension and accompanying story
is this. Being an enneagram nine there
is one thing my personality is not and that is a personality that sets itself to
win. Now, don’t think I don’t like to
win, or that I don’t play to win. Heck,
a few weeks ago I was willing to sacrifice my body for a shot. But this intentional showing up to win was
something I had never encountered before.
My normal habitual pattern of being tells me to always stay in the
background. This winning attitude felt
different, even uncomfortable, yet it was now far too late to not go through
with it. I decided there and then that I
was showing up to win and that I would notice my interior world as the process
unfolded.
First, on the drive over, the stories kept telling me “it’s
not to late to back out of this winning idea” progressing to “it’s not nice to not
give others a chance” to “you shouldn’t be more powerful than others.” Wow, where does all that stuff come from? Well, I know where it comes from and why, but
once you really start paying attention to it, turning the noticing into a
practice, it actually becomes quite comical. So now that I’ve arrived at the courts the only thing left to do is fully show up and play to win. This playing to win was a fascinating thing to observe. I played strategically, even purposely,
often hitting the ball to areas on the other side of the net that I knew my buddy
would never get to; I never let up. It was exhilarating....and I won.
So here are just a few things I noticed during this whole process. First is that nothing bad happened when I played with a winning attitude. I didn’t feel good or bad as in gloating or sabotaged with shame, it just was. Next, I noticed that it actually caused my buddy to engage differently. In fact, the next time we played together I could see she was not letting me off the hook. In this respect my showing up to win actually helped improve both our games. The scripture “iron sharpens iron” came to mind and it definitely held new meaning for me. Finally, I could discern that I have been short changing myself all these years listening to a personality pattern that tells me to stay in the background.
This was the best, ordinary lesson anyone could receive; playing pickleball and winning. Do you notice personality patterns that keep you stuck? What practices have you developed to become more aware of these patterns? If you have thoughts or questions on the nature of personalities please comment or contact me directly.
